If Only In Dreams
by stillskies
Summary: [Complete, Oneshot] Subaru dreams, and Seishiro joins him. SuxSei


AN: This is my first TB/X fic, so please be gentle… Thank you to my wonderful beta, Neko Kate-chan. She's the awesomest of the awesome. :grin: _Italics are flashbacks,_ while regular font is the present. **Bold text is thoughts. **Sorry… I think it's a little OOC.

If Only In Dreams 

Sumeragi Subaru was lost. Not in the literal sense; he was at home. No, he was spiritually and emotionally lost. He had been ever since the man he loved had killed his sister. Ever since that moment, he had been lost.

Even though her death was so long ago, whenever he and Sakurazuka Seishiro met, the pain of his loss would cloud over his judgment, and he would lash out. While many would say that it was only natural that he strike out at his sister's murderer, he himself knew that it was wrong.

He knew that his sister, Sumeragi Hokuto, had chosen death for his sake. He didn't know why, or even how she had saved him, but he knew that she had. He also knew that Hokuto would want him to be happy, but Subaru knew that that was now impossible.

He had lost the two most important people in his life in less than a year. He had lost his sister to death, and his love became an enemy. No, he couldn't be happy now, not ever.

The omnyouji stripped from his day clothes and donned a pair of silk blue pajama bottoms his sister had made him a few months before her death. As he pulled the silky material up to rest on his hips, his mind wandered back to when she had given him the newest clothes that she had made him.

_"Subaru-kun!" Hokuto called. "Where are you? I have some new clothes for you!"_

_Subaru walked out of his bedroom to find his sister standing in the living room. "Yes, nii-chan?"_

_Hokuto smiled, contentment and happiness making her emerald green eyes glow. "I made you some pajamas!" She held out a brightly wrapped package. "They're in here. Go ahead an open it!"_

_Subaru smiled. Taking the package from his sister's hands, he carefully began to unwrap it. He knew that by doing this, Hokuto would grow impatient, so he tried his hardest to unwrap it quickly. As soon as the rectangular box was liberated from it's wrapping, he pulled the top off._

_Inside the box lay royal blue silk. Gingerly, he plucked the first item off the top and held it out. It was a button up long sleeve shirt. There was a pocket on the left breast, and a giant sky blue and sea green butterfly was stitched onto it. Inside the pocket, there was a pair of blue silk gloves that also had the butterfly stitched on them. He carefully laid the silk shirt on the couch and reached for the next item. It was a pair of silk pajama bottoms. _

_Subaru looked at his sister. "Thank you, nii-chan. They're lovely."_

_Hokuto smiled. "Of course they are! They were made by a beautiful young lady for someone she loves." She winked at her brother, causing him to blush. "But that's not all that's in the box, Subaru-kun."_

_Subaru blinked emerald eyes that mirrored his sister's. Looking back at the box, he was startled to realize that she was right. "Gomen, nii-chan. I didn't notice." _

_Hokuto just smiled. "Take a look at them."_

_Nodding, Subaru returned to the box and plucked another piece of royal blue silk from it. As he unfolded it and held it up, he realized that it was another pajama shirt identical to the one he had already received. The only difference was the size and the picture on the pocket. This picture was of a sakura blossom. _

_Confused, he placed the shirt next to his other one and gently picked up the last item in the box. It was another pair of pajama bottoms identical to his, except for the size. He looked at Hokuto. "I don't understand," he started. "They are almost identical except for the picture and size. I can't fit into the sakura blossom set."_

_Hokuto smiled. "Of course you can't, silly! They weren't made for you. They were made for Seishiro-san, that way you can have matching pajamas when you get married!" _

_"What about matching pajamas?" a soft voice questioned from behind them._

_ "Seishiro-san!" Subaru stood, a bright red blush staining his cheeks. "Uh… Um…"_

_Hokuto jumped up, wrapping her arms around Seishiro. "I made you and Subaru matching pajamas for when you're married!" she chirped cheerfully. _

_"What if we never marry?" the veterinarian questioned softly._

_"Well," she began. "You can wear them whenever you miss each other. That way, if you're both wearing them at the same time, you can meet each other in your dreams."_

Subaru shoved the memory away. He wasn't the same person now that he was back then, and neither was Seishiro. After all, he had worn these same pajamas to bed every night for the last seven years, and he and the Sakurazukamori had never once met in their dreams.

They had met in their dreams for the following months after they had received the present from Hokuto and talked about many things, but as soon as Seishiro had turned against him, the Guardian of the Sakura was a painful void in his dreamscape.

He sighed. He doubted tonight would be any different, but he would try. He knew that if they could meet inside of the dreamscape that he could finally talk to the Sakurazukamori without attacking. Seeing him in the flesh was just too much for the omnyouji.

Saying a quick prayer and whispering goodnight to Hokuto, Subaru climbed into bed and pulled the covers over himself. Within minutes, he was asleep.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

Subaru awoke moments later to find himself in front of a sakura tree. Breathing deeply, inhaled the scent of the sweet blossoms and wasn't at all surprised to smell the lingering scent of blood. Footsteps sounded behind him, and he turned.

Sakurazuka Seishiro, the Guardian of the Sakura, the Sakurazukamori, stood in front of him. Dressed in the silk blue pajamas that Hokuto had made him, he smiled at Subaru.

"Subaru-kun," he greeted. "Don't you just look adorable in your night clothes? I never imagined you slept without a shirt, though."

Subaru breathed in deeply, trying to calm his racing heart. Had he been the younger Subaru, the Subaru that Seishiro had known seven years ago, his face would have been bright red. As it was, embarrassment was lurking in the outskirts of his mind, but he did not blush.

"Seishiro-san," he replied. "I didn't expect to see you here."

The Sakurazukamori shrugged, the silk shirt shifting slightly to reveal his collarbone. "You sound as if you've been hoping I would show."

It was Subaru's turn to shrug. "Why are you here, Seishiro-san?"

Seishirou stared at Subaru. "You've turned into a fine young man, Subaru-kun. Would you believe me if I said I just wanted to see you without fighting?" He must have seen something in Subaru's eyes, because he continued. "After all, isn't that why you're here?"

The omnyouji sighed. That was the reason for his trying every night, but he refused to let Seishiro know that. "I just felt like wearing the clothes that Hokuto-chan made me. It had nothing to do with you," he replied coldly.

**NO! **his mind screamed. **Tell him the truth. Let him know how much he means to you still.**

**I can't, **he countered. **Seishiro-san doesn't care about me. He'll only use the knowledge to hurt me again…**

As if sensing the onmyouji's inner debate, the Guardian of the Sakura spoke. His voice was soft, soothing, as if speaking to a frightened animal. "This is only a dream, Subaru-kun. Granted, we'll both remember it, and it's real in every sense other than us being in the reality we live in, but it's still only a dream." The tone of his voice, the gentleness caused Subaru to pause, to reconsider.

Subaru felt the sting of tears begin to prick his eyes. "Even if it's only a dream, Seishiro-san, I still love you, but you don't love me. If I give in now, you'll only hurt me in the end." His voice had lowered to a whisper by the end, but it carried. He knew that Seishiro had heard every word.

The Sakurazukamori moved to stand in front of him. Subaru did not move or look away. Almost defiantly, he stared into Seishiro's handsome face, subconsciously memorizing any new detail that may have escaped his notice since the last time they met. "Subaru-kun, whatever happens in our dreams will stay in our dreams. Let go and give into your emotions." Subaru could hear the silent 'please' at the end of the sentence, and suddenly, he could see the hope lurking in the Sakurazukamori's left eye. "Hokuto-chan wouldn't want you to suffer so."

The younger man didn't even realize he was crying until Seishiro lifted on hand and gently wiped the tear from his cheek. Slowly, Subaru pulled away. "I hate you," he whispered. "You took her away from me, and then you left! Why? Did we truly mean that little to you that you weren't affected at all by Hokuto-chan's death?" More tears began to fall down his cheeks. "Why? Why did you take her away from me? Why did you leave me?" He latched on to Seishiro, harsh sobs racking his slim frame. All of the pent up emotions from his sister's death and onward came pouring out.

Subaru had only expected the Guardian of the Sakura to stand there, to not offer any comfort, but he was pleasantly startled to feel strong arms wrap around his waist, to feel one of those arms gently rubbing up and down his back in an attempt to calm him. His love's gentleness tore more sobs from his throat, gave way to more tears flowing from his eyes.

Together, they stood there under the sakura tree for what seemed like hours. Finally, the omnyouji quieted. Sniffling, he pulled back from the embrace enough that he could see Seishiro's face.

The Sakurazukamori's face was empty, as though he felt nothing, and Subaru would have believed that had he not seen the slight redness of the older man's good eye, or the tear tracks running down his cheeks.

If only in dreams, they could be honest with each other. If only in dreams, they could be together.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …

Subaru awoke the next morning with a smile. His eyes were red and puffy, and he was exhausted from the release of so much emotional build-up, but his heart was lighter.

Seishiro cared for him. Maybe not the way that Subaru desperately needed, but that was to be expected from the Sakurazukamori. The assassin had lived with the assumption that he would never feel anything for anyone, and to suddenly develop feelings, to regret past actions, must have come to a shock for the uncaring man.

Subaru showered and dressed. Today, he would go see Hinoto. He knew, somehow, that she would be the one to point him in the direction he needed to have his true wish granted.

For once, the thought didn't fill him with despair. He knew, without a doubt, that once Seishiro killed him, once Seishiro carried out his duty as the Sakurazukamori, the man would miss him. Sakurazuka Seishiro would cry for him.

And that was really all that mattered.

:end:


End file.
